You Don't Know How It Feels
by AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: Not all friendly conversations are about happy things, some can be a little heavy or grim. But every one IS worth having. -Story completed/C&C appreciated/Please leave a review if you liked-


**DISCLAIMER:** I still don't own Evangelion or any of its characters, that's all still the property of…whoever owns it these days. Probably never will either, but I'm okay with that (too much legal hassle to potentially deal with). Original series timeline applies here, nothing Rebuild-centric. I'd place this one somewhere around episodes 12, 13 or 14 (don't know where exactly, just wherever there can be a quiet moment for the following story). 'This' denotes thoughts, while "this" is speech. I think that's all I need this time, let's get right into it!

 _ **-You Don't Know How It Feels-**_

Shinji Ikari stared into the sky, sighing tiredly. He was laid out on the school's roof, about an hour before sunset and well after classes had let out. Every once in a while, he came out here to look at the clouds and let his mind wander and just… _think_. He had turned down his friends' offer to go hang out at an arcade downtown, just wanting a little solitude for a couple of hours before heading back to the apartment he shared with Misato and Asuka. He wasn't necessarily avoiding going home: it was simply that it wasn't as conductive to relaxing as here was.

The Third Child's thoughts went from one place to another, never dwelling too long on any one thing. The people he'd met since coming to Tokyo-3, his father, the Evangelions and Angels, his homework for the evening…anyone else might've considered it a mess. To Shinji, however, it was simply the life he juggled on a daily basis. He closed his eyes for a moment, relaxing every muscle all at once.

But like all good things in his life (or so he told himself), it had to be interrupted. "What _are_ you doing out here, baka?" came the voice of Asuka Langley Sohryu to his ears. Shinji cracked his eyes open slightly, finding the redhead standing over him with a puzzled look on her face. The Second Child was as much an anomaly to him as he'd ever met: she could be _almost_ sweet one moment, only to about face and be as cold or angry as he'd ever seen another person in his life. 'Not what I needed right now,' he thought with a frown. "What do you want, Asuka? I thought you'd left already."

Asuka titled her head at his words. 'It's not like the idiot to talk to _me_ like that,' she mused, both a little impressed _and_ annoyed at his tone. "I'm going to ignore the fact that you don't sound _thrilled_ to see me," she said with more than a bit of sarcasm. "But if you _have_ to know, I didn't have anything to do this afternoon. And I was _completely_ bored elsewhere." She shifted her schoolbag from one hand to the other. "And I didn't see you leave with the other stooges. So…" she let the word hang, motioning around her with her free hand, "here I am on the roof asking, _again_ I may add, what you're doing up here."

'I guess I'm not getting rid of her for now,' Shinji reasoned, sighing once more and closing his eyes. "I like to come up here sometimes. It's quiet. I _like_ that."

' _That's_ it?' Asuka asked herself, scowling slightly. 'How boring.' She watched Shinji for a few seconds, waiting to see I he would add anything to that. When it was clear he had gone silent, se spoke up again. "That's positively scintillating, Ikari."

Shinji's frown deepened. "Well, it's true," he replied. "I enjoy the silence here. It helps me think."

"And just what _do_ you think about?" Asuka asked, smirking. "I'll bet most of them are dirty thoughts…"

"N-no," Shinji said, keeping a tight reign on the nervousness in his voice. He _did_ blush slightly, however. "I just…" He hesitated for a moment while he reconsidered his mood toward her. 'She might be _genuinely_ interested, Shinji' he ventured. 'Right, and the next Angel's going to grant wishes.' He opened his eyes a little, figuring he might as well be friendly with the sometimes-volatile girl. "I don't know, I think about a lot of things out here."

"That doesn't tell me much, baka-Shinji," Asuka countered. She brushed off her skirt and sat down on the ground a few feet from him, thinking that this was as good a use of her time as she was going to get this afternoon. "What kind of deep thoughts inhabit the mind of the Third Child?"

Shinji considered her question for a moment before answering. "Like…sometimes it's about the friends I've met since arriving."

"You mean the stooges?" Asuka questioned.

Shinji nodded. "Not just them. There's also you and Misato and Rei…"

Asuka was surprised to hear that he considered her a friend, but didn't show it outwardly. "You didn't have friends before? That's…really sad, even for you."

"Well, it's…" Shinji started, not sure how to take her statement. It _was_ true, but it was still biting. "It's complicated."

"How complicated can it be?" Asuka asked. "You're the Commander's son. Of course you-"

"Stop right there," Shinji cut her off, his voice just barely above a whisper. "Don't bring him into this."

Asuka could tell that she touched a nerve that time. 'I know there's some bad blood there, but…why?' She had never really asked before, it just never seemed relevant. But hearing Shinji get that angry about even mentioning him…well, _now_ she was curious. "What did he do?" When Shinji didn't answer after several long seconds, she sat up and continued. "Look baka, if you don't want to tell me-"

"It's what he _didn't_ do," Shinji finally spoke again, rising from the ground and walking over to the railing. "He didn't raise me, he just handed me off to someone else." He stared down at the pavement below. "He abandoned me."

Asuka winced slightly, never having considered that thought. "Oh…" she said softly. "If it means anything, I think he's a pretty big asshole."

Shinji had to smile at that. "Yeah…that's true." The smile fell from his face afterwards. "I knew that the first time I came to NERV." He picked his head up, staring out at the afternoon view of Tokyo-3. "He might as well have blackmailed me to get into Unit-01."

Asuka walked over to a spot a couple of feet from him, also looking out at the skyline. "Do…you wanna talk about it?"

"Not much to say," Shinji answered. "First time I ever saw an EVA unit and he's telling me I'm going to get in it and fight the creature that was attacking the city that day." He closed his eyes. "We hadn't seen each other in years, and that was his idea of a reunion."

"What did you mean by 'blackmailed'?" Asuka questioned, now looking at him.

"I refused at first," Shinji went on, "and he brought out Rei…on a stretcher and badly injured. He was going to make _her_ fight because I didn't want to." He shook his head, laughing bitterly. "I think you can understand what I think about him from that."

"I…see," Asuka agreed. 'I knew the man was callous, but still…that's especially low.' She watched how Shinji was studying the ground below. "And what are you thinking about now? Maybe taking a dive off the roof?"

"Wouldn't be the first time," Shinji replied, only realizing what he said after he already had. 'Idiot…that's not something she would care about.'

Asuka looked back at him with shock for a second before making her face look passive again. "Really? Jeez, be a little more of a mope, why don't you?" Noticing how low his expression looked, she dialed back a bit on her cutting tone. "Seriously…why would you do that?"

"There's a lot of reasons," Shinji answered. "Loneliness. Anger. Depression." He smiled to himself at the next thing that came out. "Making it easier for the next Angel to do what they come to Tokyo-3 to do." He lowered his arms and let his head sink down onto them. "But I could never do it. I'm too much of a coward."

"That's probably a good thing in this case," Asuka said, returning to viewing the scenery. "Law of averages says that there has to be _someone_ out there who wouldn't like that."

'She's good at those backhanded compliments,' Shinji had to admit to himself. "Well, maybe," he admitted. "Not brave enough for suicide but too scared to live life. I'm a mess," he thought aloud, almost a whisper.

Asuka didn't comment on that sentence, not really wanting him to go through with that _now_ of all times. "Well then," she began again after a long silence, "since you're up here so often thinking: supposing you _did_ bite the big one, what do you think comes after?"

Shinji had to turn and look at her for a moment, though Asuka didn't face him in return. He turned back and considered her question for a bit before answering. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I'm not religious, not really. But…" He went silent for a few seconds, collecting his thoughts. "I hope it's better than here, more like an _actual_ paradise." He smiled for just a second. "That would be enough."

"That _would_ be nice," Asuka replied. 'Baka's not as empty-headed as I thought,' she mused. 'Still an idiot, but not _as much_ of one.' She let the silence hang for a few seconds longer before speaking up. "Now, don't you feel better after letting that all out?"

Shinji thought it over for a bit before nodding. "Yeah…yeah, I guess I _do_." He turned towards the redhead. "What about you, Asuka?" he ventured, interested in what her response would be. "You're always saying that nothing scares you. Well…what about death?"

Asuka opened her mouth before closing it again and thinking over her words carefully. "If it happens…it happens," she answered matter-of-factly. "Sometimes you can do something about it, sometimes it isn't in your control. You shouldn't passively accept something you can change but you really shouldn't fear the inevitable, baka."

"Not even the unknown after that?" Shinji countered.

"Not even then," Asuka replied. "How can you be scared or ready for something that's a complete mystery to _every person alive_?" She stretched body away from her arms while still holding onto the railing. "As for what comes after…well, I guess I'll just see when I get there." She turned back to him. "And no, I wouldn't _choose_ to do that myself. Just…no." She shivered a little at the thought, not something she even wanted to think about _at all_.

"I hope you wouldn't," Shinji whispered, thinking aloud again. "I think that would be terrible…"

"And why is that, hmm?" Asuka asked, smirking at him. "Would _you_ mourn me?"

"Of course I-" Shinji started while straightening himself up before remembering that he had not meant to say that aloud. "Y-yeah, I would." He looked down at the roof. "You're my friend, remember?"

Asuka's smirk fell for a moment before she smiled just a little at him. "Baka-Shinji…" she said, shaking her head before placing a hand on his shoulder, which made the boy's head snap up to look her in the eyes. "Maybe there's hope for you yet." Looking back at the skyline, the Second Child saw the last bit of the sun disappear behind the horizon. "I think we've been here long enough, it's going to be night soon." She walked back over to the door leading down to the stairwell, picking up her bag on the way. "What do you say we head back to the apartment so you can make something at least passable for dinner… _friend_?"

Shinji stood in silence for a few seconds, realizing what Asuka had just said to him. "Asuka…"

"Come on, I might even let you race me there," Asuka continued, opening the door and disappearing inside for a moment before leaning out around the corner. "Not that you'll win…but you can still try."

Watching as Asuka went back into the building, Shinji turned and looked out at the soon-to-be-starry sky. 'I guess…that was a good thing. I think.' He still didn't understand the redhead very well…but after today's talk, he would at least try to be on more friendly terms with her. 'It's certainly less painful than being on her bad side,' he thought, following her inside and down the stairs after grabbing his own satchel.

Meeting Asuka at the school's front gate, Shinji caught up to her and the two walked home in silence. Neither wanted to interrupt the peaceful calm that surrounded them that evening, just content for the moment in each other's company…

 _ **-End-**_

 **Author's Notes:** Not bad, eh? But wait…did I just write about Shinji and Asuka without even _hinting_ at romance?

I…think I did. I, uh, guess that's now a thing. Probably won't happen again, knowing me.

I can't take most of the credit for this story, because it wasn't _really_ mine (so to speak). This is based on a _real_ conversation between me and Ash (I think it was sometime in 2013 or 2014), just adapted and altered a bit to fit within the confines of this fandom. It wasn't nearly as heavy in our case, it was more in the way of assorted philosophical musings on the subjects of death and what comes after and what the idea of 'infinity' _really_ is. Good times, indeed.

Also, it was _her_ idea to make this into a story…and really, how could I disagree? I think it came out pretty good. _And_ it's short and simple (short by my standards, anyway: this is second only to _**Show, Don't Tell: Rebuild Variant**_ in terms of brevity).

About the title: not only is it a pretty good **Tom Petty** song (most of them are to me, both solo work or with **The Heartbreakers** ), but it's also a statement that _definitely_ applies to how the Second and Third Children might see each other. This was (up until the eleventh hour) going to be called _**Here is No Why**_ , but that would make the ninth or tenth (I'm not sure, I lost count a long time ago) reference to either a **Smashing Pumpkins** title or lyrical snippet in one of my stories to date…and that's probably too many for how much I _have_ written. Maybe another time, I guess.

As per usual (and as said above), pre-read and then some was done by Ash. Thanks again, ma'am. See, I _told_ you that it was a good idea to adapt into an Evafic. How about another of your ideas for next time, hmm?

As usual: good comments will be appreciated, bad ones will be ignored (or kept for firewood). But I do favor good/helpful criticism, so send it my way! And review! Even if it's not positive, review!

Until our paths next cross,  
 **-AngelNo13Bardiel-**


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